Syrup Hack for the WIN!

So simple, yet so effective. This syrup trick helped my kids and I reach a common ground about the necessary vs. desired amount of syrup on their waffles and pancakes.

Pour 80% of the syrup AROUND the pancake, 20% on it. This gives the illusion that so much syrup was poured over your child’s breakfast that it created an overflow moat onto the plate. *raise one eyebrow and smirk. Now you’ve dispensed a healthy serving of syrup, while falsely fulfilling your child’s greedy need for more sugar.

Now I get to sit down and drink my coffee when it’s hot instead of watching the hot steam sneak away while I indignantly explain to my kids that I’ve put an ample amount of syrup on their waffles and they do not need any more. This of course is followed by 10 minutes of arguing and whining before I finally give in and obnoxiously pour an obscene amount of syrup onto their plates, in order to avoid any further discussion on the topic while mumbling under my breath about how unreasonable they’re being. Even though I know damn well that if they just ate the damn waffles in the first place, they would see that they are perfectly soaked in syrup.

Birthday Requests- WIN!

For Dex’s 7th birthday he had one very detailed request: Breakfast in bed. There’s more. He laid out the exact time and method of delivery as well as the exact placement of said breakfast.

1. Toast two chocolate waffles and top them with Nutella

2. Place waffles on a white plate and put them on a lap tray along with a glass of orange juice

3. Enter my bedroom at 7:30

4. Place the tray of waffles on my dresser and then wake me up

5. I will sit up in bed and you will place the tray over my legs, above the knee

6. I will eat my breakfast and drink my juice

7. You can make breakfast in bed for Teddy too but he is not allowed to eat it in my bed. He must remain in his own bed.

He’s at that age now where he’s going to remember this kind of stuff. When he gets older I want him to reflect on his childhood birthdays thinking he was spoiled rotten so I added some colorful sprinkles and birthday-themed decorations to make it extra special.

He eventually caved and let his little brother join him for breakfast. We awkwardly stood there and watched them eat breakfast.

*This was not a nude breakfast session. There are pj shorts under there somewhere.

Do you have kids? - FAIL

[My husband Chris on a walk with Sally, our great dane.]

Friendly person in the neighborhood: "Cute dog!"

Chris: "Thanks."

Neighbor: "Do you have kids?"

Chris [confused]: "Um, yeah.  Why?"

Neighbor: "Your dog has gum on her forehead."

[Chris looks down at Sally to discover pink bubblegum matted into her eyebrow.]

Super Sneakers - WIN!

I brought Junie to Nordstrom on Friday afternoon to get a pair of summer sneakers -- like tough athletic shoes that she could use for soccer, t-ball, hikes, playground, etc.  Instead, somehow, we came home with these. 

Bright pink hearts.  Glitter.  Rhinestones.  Flashing lights.  Giant metallic wings.  You know, just the basics.  

It happened because I was not prepared for negotiation.  I'm just not used to bringing her clothes shopping with me.  I buy almost everything online, or on quick errands by myself during the workday.  (And now I remember why I do that.)  

These shoes are too expensive for what they are, and too ridiculous, and she won't be able to use them for actual sports.  But she was just so cute and so excited.  I could not say no to pure four-year-old joy. 

It was worth it.      

F*ck Button- FAIL!

Another stop on our LA adventure over Christmas break was Ooga Twooga, an art gallery in the warehouse district. This was not a good place for kids, but I didn't care. I was still riding the pre-kids memory train. 

While we walked around the store, the boys meandered around looking at the art and books on the shelves. They were surprisingly quiet and seemed to be entertained. As I'm flipping through zines by local artists, Dexter walks over and asks me to read his new button. Um... It read, "Don't Fuck With Us, Don't Fuck Without Us". While this was a pretty awesome button, it surely wasn't meant for a 6 year old. 

Meanwhile, I find Teddy standing in front of the desk where the young gallery girl is working. You can tell she's slightly uncomfortable with his presence and doesn't really know what to do or say. He has picked up a Lazy Mom bumper sticker (I shit you not-way to be ironic kid) and is aiming a handheld motorized fan at the young woman. Obviously Jason is still enveloped in his art search, unaware of that fact that our kids are fashioning sex awareness buttons and taunting the employees with battery operated devices. I kind of liked it. I liked the fact that this 20-somthing got a taste of what kids are like. I enjoyed the fact that she was uncomfortable and hopefully appreciated her freedom a little more. She was probably counting the minutes before we left.

Being back in LA made me feel like I was living my pre-kids life again. I kept feeling myself zoning out into my own world and thinking about my own wants and needs. It was kinda nice being selfish for a few hours as we explored the hidden art galleries around town.

MLK Day-FAIL!

We had parent-teacher conferences the other day and while waiting in the locker-lined hallways for our turn to sit with the teacher, my husband and I noticed a display of MLK Jr. posters on display. The kids must have learned about his accomplishments and honorable contributions to our society. Then they created a bust of his imagine with a cute portrait of his smiling face and a trifold shirt that opened up to a writing space. A tie down the middle split the space into two different writing topics. The first required the kids to list Mr. Luther King Jr.'s dream and the second column asking for a dream of their own. Most kids' ideas centered around King's dream of bringing freedom, equal rights, and peaceful change to the world. Dexter noted King's desire to end segregation. Nice job kid- that's right! 

Reading their answers to the second column made us feel hopeful and proud of the how first and second graders see the world. Most students wrote about their wish for world peace, kindness, and empathy. Then we noticed Dex's... WTF kid? Really?! Yours is about wanting one hundred dollars? It seems as though you've missed the entire point of this project. To be fair, one other kid wrote about his dream for a tv. But of the two kids who wish for material things when compared to the dreams of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., MY kid is one of those. 

I especially love how he wrote his name on the last line of the right column. Typically, you write your name on the top of an assignment right? So clearly there was some thought put into this placement. Like, hmmm, looks like they gave us all this room to thoughtfully write ideas about MLK Jr. Day and I only needed three lines to express my need for more money. Maybe if I write my name down here it will help fill up this space. 

Yet Another Bathroom Situation - FAIL!

You know those nightmare scenarios where you can see that something terrible is about to happen, but you're powerless to stop it? 

The other day I had both girls at Junie's ballet school.  Both Junie and I had to pee before her class, so we went into the family bathroom.  She went first, of course, and we went through all of the usual public bathroom stuff -- "Don't touch anything.  Please don't touch anything.  Oh my God, do you really have to hold onto the seat?  I don't think you're going to fall in.  Are you done?  Okay.  Wash your hands.  Please use soap.  Here are the paper towels.  Good job!"

Then it was my turn. I was mid-pee when I looked over and noticed Junie fiddling with the locked door.  This has happened once or twice in a bathroom stall, but normally it takes her long enough to figure out how to unlock it that I can finish and it doesn't matter.  Also, it's usually a STALL, within a bathroom full of women.  This was a stand alone bathroom that opened into the lobby of her dance studio.  So I started asking, ordering, pleading: "Do not open the door.  Do you hear me?  Do not open the door.  Please don't open the door.  DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR." 

But she's a four year old, and she wanted to peek into the lobby, and didn't understand why I cared so much.  Of course she opened the door.  When I saw that it was inevitable, I just hoped there would be no one in the immediate sight line of the toilet.  But of course there was.  I made direct eye contact with a dance dad who was sitting on the couch right outside.  While I was sitting on the fucking toilet.  He looked away, probably more embarrassed than I was, as I struggled to get over to the door and slam it shut.  

So that was cool.  Thanks, girl!  

Bathroom Vocals-FAIL!

Over the holiday break our family took a trip to San Diego to visit my mother-in-law for Christmas. It was perfect timing. We got out of a below-zero cold spell in Minneapolis and landed in sunny, 70 degree temps in San Diego. After the new year, we decided to drive up to LA and revisit our old neighborhood. 

Jason and I lived in Santa Monica for about 5 years after college. This is where we really started our life together. We rented our first home as a couple, began our careers, enjoyed the young 20s lifestyle, got engaged and married along the cliffs of Santa Monica. It was so wonderful to be back reminiscing about the pre-kids days. 

One of our first stops was the LACMA (Los Angeles County Museum of Art). We could spend hours walking around the museum, sipping fancy, over-priced coffee in the atrium, and convincing each other we needed that new Eames sculpture from the gift shop. Knowing that the boys would not be cool with this plan, we added a stop to the LaBrea Tar Pits next door. 

Before leaving the museum Teddy needed to use the bathroom. I brought him into the girls restrooms with me and decided I'd better change my tampon in case we weren't near another restroom for a while. I thought I could distract him enough so he wouldn't notice what I was doing, Hey Teddy, how many screws did it take them to put this door up? What's that on the ceiling? Do you want to play on my phone? None of those works. Teddy heard the tampon wrapper like an owl hears a mouse and assumed I was passing out treats while on the toilet. Because obviously. The bathroom is always a good place to sneak a treat, right? Fearing he'd miss the opportunity for sugar, he watched me like a hawk. Knowing there was a huge line for the three stalled bathroom, I knew I needed to hurry. I decided to just do my business as fast as possible. Teddy caught a glimpse of the pink plastic as I moved and shouted (Seriously. SHOUTED), "Are you putting medicine in your tushy mommy?" 

Now just imagine an art gallery bathroom. Modern and clean, lined with tile, metal, and cement from floor to ceiling. Forget the Swiss Alps, film your Ricola commercial in here, that shit will reverberate. The thought of how many people had heard what Teddy just said made my face cherry red with embarrassment. My mind was racing with questions. What did they think was happening here? What image was running through their mind about me possibly putting medicine in my ass? In public. With my kid in the stall. How do I answer his question? It felt like the entire museum had stopped in their tracks in shock. Their eyes wide open, mouth agape, waiting to hear my response. 

I said nothing. 

Family photos - FAIL!

We do not regularly get professional photographs.  We just take millions of pictures on our phones, like normal people.  But a lot of our friends get professional photos every year, and have beautiful shots of their families to put on holiday cards and Instagram posts or whatever.  And recently, a friend of a friend who is just starting out her photography business was looking for families to photograph for no charge.  She would also come to our house or wherever we wanted to meet.  Since the opportunity presented itself with no effort on our part, we thought, "Why not?" 

I should say right up front, this fail has nothing to do with our photographer.  She was lovely and very capable.  It was all on us. 

Our first mistake was not scheduling the photo shoot for the morning, when the girls are most likely to be in pleasant and cooperative moods.  Instead, we scheduled for a Sunday afternoon.  That morning, we went to a family brunch to celebrate Chris's ex-step-grandmother's 90th birthday.  Junie was in heaven: she got to run around with her cousins and eat cake (frosting), and all kinds of sugary treats that relatives give to children they don't have to bring home with them.    

Consistent with our standard practice, we left the party much later than we intended to, but still with enough time (we thought) for the girls to nap, so they could be well-rested for the afternoon photo session.  Safe assumption, right?  Wrong.  Despite our pleading, singing, story-reading, etc., neither of them slept a wink. 

I did manage to get them into clean clothes.  I'm proud of that.  But, by the time Annie the photographer arrived, Junie was crashing, deep into sugar-withdrawal from the morning binge.  Both of them were overtired, crabby, and in no mood to sit still and smile.  Also, Maizy suddenly had a huge scratch on her cheek from those razor-sharp baby fingernails (I swear I have to clip them every eight hours to keep her from turning into Wolverine).  

Thoughtful poses and natural-looking smiles were out of the question, obviously.  Mainly I was just hoping for a picture of the four of us together that wouldn't end up on a Buzzfeed slideshow of humiliating family photo bloopers, next to one where the whole family is wearing matching starter jackets and mullets. 

So there we were, bouncing the baby, dangling shiny objects, throwing leaves into the air, and cheerfully (frantically) whispering "Maizy, look over here, what's this?  WHAT'S THAT?  MAIZY!"  With Junie we had to resort to blatant treat-bribery and promises of post-photo television watching, just to keep her in the frame. 

The poor photographer made a valiant effort to work in this--um--less-than-ideal artistic environment.  And she did manage to get some really nice candid shots of the girls.  But there is literally not a single photo where we were all looking in the same direction, let alone looking like a perfect, happy, carefree, loving family, just casually enjoying time together on a beautiful Sunday afternoon. 

Maybe next time.

Birthday Blitz - WIN!

My girls' birthdays are 6 days apart, and fall the week before Thanksgiving, which for us is already full of competing family and friend obligations.  So, it can be pretty exhausting.  We were really proud of ourselves this year, though, because we managed to do celebrations that were fun and felt meaningful, and (for the most part) avoided getting really stressed out. 

For Maizy, who turned one, we just did an intimate family party, with a few balloons and minimal decorations.  My mother-in-law made a big pot of veggie chili (baby looooooves beans), and I just put together a little selection of toppings and sides.  My mom made cupcakes, and also brought a store-bought "smash cake."  I highly recommend the smash cake for a first birthday.  It was pretty amazing to watch Maizy stare at it in wonder, poke it a couple of times, squish it with her fingers, and then take her first taste of SUGAR.  Her eyes lit up, she started waving her arms in the air, and then began shoveling fistfuls of frosting into her little mouth as fast as she could, surrounded by the people who love her most in the world.   

For Junie, who turned four, we had her first ever friend party.  We have been to some pretty spectacular kid celebrations -- with bouncy houses, professional princesses, lots of perfectly matching themed decorations, invite lists with upwards of 20 kids, etc.  I'm sure we'll end up doing that at some point, but I'm holding out as long as I can.  The girl is only four years old, for crying out loud.  Anyway, this is what we did, and it was great:

• We didn't invite school friends.  I just wasn't ready to deal with questions of whether to invite the whole preschool class, or whether to let her pick and choose.  Instead we just invited a small group of our adult friends who have kids around the same age (whom Junie already knows and loves).  That way, we could hang out with our friends while the kids did party stuff.
• We came up with a couple of activities that didn't require a PhD in crafting. 
  • The first was rice krispie monsters.  This was so cute and easy.  (Chris did burn some of the chocolate while trying to melt it during the party, so we ended up with three colors to choose from rather than four, but whatever...the kids didn't know that the lime green frosting was missing.)  [Link to post with instructions ADD].  
  • We also made a Pin the Tail on the Mermaid game.  I have to qualify the success of this one, because it did result in me YELLING at Chris at 1:00 in the morning, irrationally angry because he didn't understand why I was so upset about the shape and color of the mermaid's tail that I had just drawn.  But it actually came out pretty cool, and it was fun for the kids.
• Food-wise, we made it easy on ourselves.  We set out a bunch of kid-friendly snacks, ordered delicious pizza for dinner from Pizza Luce, got a cute store-bought cake, and, perhaps most importantly, provided plenty of alcohol for the parents.              
• Finally, the one thing that really made it possible for me to enjoy this party.  Instead of paying $200 to have a Disney princess come for one hour, we hired one of the assistant teachers from Junie's school to be there the ENTIRE TIME.  She organized and directed activities, helped kids get food, resolved disagreements about whose turn it was to wander blindfolded through the living room to pin a construction-paper tail on the funky-tailed mermaid.  And she took the kids upstairs to watch Monsters, Inc. while the parents had a final glass of wine and got ready to go.  I cannot stress enough how great it was to have someone else there to shepherd the kids.  So wonderful, and Junie had a ball. 

On her actual birthday (a few days after the party), we went to Junie's "celebration of life" ceremony at Montessori school, took her to the movies, had a special dinner at home with just our little family, and blew out candles again.

And then, somehow, later that week we hosted Thanksgiving for both of our families.  What were we thinking?      

The bottom line is that we survived, I didn't have any major panic attacks, and I think the birthdays felt special and memorable to the girls.  Also, we didn't have to hire princesses to pull it off.  That feels like win to me.

Pin the Tail on the Mermaid (yes this was drawn by an adult)

Sponer!- WIN!

Win!

Do you ever get a sponer after packing your kid's lunch? You know, a sponer, a self-pride-boner. It's when you do something to make yourself so proud. Like a little too proud. 

I don't pack my kids' lunches everyday but when I do I tell myself one of three things:

1. "What even is that?" I often refer to these lunches as "smorgasbords". It's a fancy word used to blind everyone from the fact that I don't want to go to the grocery store so they'll be eating whatever is left in the fridge. The other day my son had a string cheese, half-an eaten box of raisins, two carrot sticks, a leftover quesadilla slice, and a scoop of peanut butter. I should include a little picture of myself giving the old wink-and-gun with a speech bubble saying, "Look at you eating this fancy dish."
2. "That'll work." This is for those standard PBJ days. Throw in some carrots, an apple and something crunchy and you're done. 
3. "Shwing!" Like anyone else cares. But seriously there are some days when I feel like I should probably just open up a little mom-n-pop shop filled with pre-made lunches for kids. The school bus could swing by on its way to school so the kids could pick out their lunches. They'd struggle to decide which one to pick. Little Efron (kids have such weird names these days) would be like, "I don't know Crouton, I feel like these dolmas with a hint of pink Himalayan sea salt might be better than that quinoa and coconut crusted halibut wrap you've selected." Can't you just see it? 

In all seriousness, packing lunches can be pretty annoying. Especially when you're trying to find new and creative ways to get your kids to eat something nutritious. I find it ridiculous to see those Pinterest lunch ideas where the sandwich is cut in the shape of Mickey Mouse or the fruit is in rainbow order along a holiday-themed kabob stick. Who the h-e-double hockey sticks has time for that? Don't get me wrong, if you're doing that you're a rockstar. I just don't have time for it. What makes me feel like a rockstar lunch lady is when my kids have a colorful array of food from every food group in their lunch. The extra gold star comes from when I know that lunch is filled with food they love. Sponer!